This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She look mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
(I thought this was really cute :D)
3 comments:
Well those are kind of cute jokes. Heres a not so cute one.
And its not really sexist because you can easily swap the man and the woman and it would still be the same. (not really :P)
A woman has been shopping in the grocery section of this big mall for a while and when she is done she goes to the check out counter. She has 2 loafs of bread, a dozen eggs, 2 milk cartons, 5 apples and a few candies in her basket.
As she reaches the end of the checkout line a somewhat drunk guy walks over to her and starts staring at the basket. He intently looks at the 2 loafs of bread, a dozen eggs, 2 milk cartons, 5 apples and a few candies in her basket.
And then he says, "You are single aren't you?".
The woman says (thinking that maybe he is hitting on her), "...emm..yes...How did you figure that out looking at the contents on the basket?".
The guy then looks up at her and say, "What basket? I just guessed that coz you are fuckin ugly!"
I got this one in the mail once when I was in A levles and it really really cracked us up. But I can easily see you hating it :P
Haha not that I hate it, but it isn't thaaaat funny :P Maybe if you switch places though ;) B'cos single guys in supermarkets are funny :P
You should put up more posts like these every now and then :-) and as a single guy who ends up being dragged to supermarkets by you, I pity them :-P
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